Between What Ifs and What Is: Finding Clarity in Our Path

Life goes on and flashes before our eyes. Our first word. Our first day of school. Everything that has a beginning comes to an end. I'm sitting in my desk as I'm writing this down. The rain is pouring on the ground: I can see it through the window, and I'm shivering. I know you've been there, so you can probably relate to me, at least until now. My cat is purring aggressively, crawling to feel every spot on the table under her paws. I love cuddling her, perhaps to calm down those demons inside me that relentlessly tell me I'm not good enough. I thank to God that they still haven't complained about my career choice. And I pray to God that they won't come after me for what I've just said. The first one to ask was our kindergarten teacher. She inquired me - what do you want to be when you grow up? -. We sat in a big room with a high ceiling and a gigantic glass that let the garden into the closed space. Isn’t it ironic how the room was as big as the time I had to pick my choices. Throughout school, other teachers asked the same question but every time in a smaller room. Time was running out, but my answers were always an inspired. When the time came to make the choice, I signed for psychology. I decided not to. After all, no one but me, music and words helped myself through mental struggles. And then for nutrition. After some months into the degree, I knew it was likely that to make a living I would be scamming people who didn't feel at ease in this with their bodies: I couldn't stand it. My peer Najwa didn't have it easy either. I know you've spent some evenings in your living room watching crime series in the dark. Wouldn't you sign up to become a criminologist in that comfy sofa spot? Shows don't show the truth! A dad joke, I know. Going back to Najwa, she also considered being a lawyer. What comes to your mind? Well, movies have portrayed them as riches. It may not be far from the truth, but it is one of the most time-consuming jobs to ever exist. It's not for everybody, unless you're truly passionate about afterwork and have a genuine longing for spending the rest of your days sitting in a cubicle with law as your only company.   

I have always wondered what my place is. Does even my insignificant and miserable existence hold any grace? While sitting for an exam that would determine my fate, I was preoccupied with this thought on an endless loop. I remember shaking hands holding the pen, and I could almost physically feel the shivers through my body as my mind was flooded with doubt and anticipation. While my future remained uncertain, I felt time ticking slowly by with the ‘Tik-Tak’ of every movement of the wall clock in front of me. Criminology had always amazed me. I had spent countless nights watching crime documentaries about monstrous murderers, analysing the evidence as if I were part of the investigative team. But when the results came out, reality hit me like a gust of cold wind: I could not reach the required score to apply for a Criminology degree. At the time, I remember feeling as if my whole world was falling apart. Disappointed, yet not ready to give up, I considered studying law afterwards, a practical choice, one that my family would approve of. But the thought of spending my life buried under hundreds of papers, restrained to a desk, was unbearable. In the end, English Studies, my last choice, was all that remained. Little did I know, it would be the best decision I had ever made. “No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.” Words resonating in my mind; memories of the first time I read Dead Poets Society. This novel was more than merely a tale. It was a whole life-changing experience. "We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is full of passion." Those words awakened something profound within me, flourishing my love for literature and introducing me to the classics, as I sought similar content that could convey me the same depth and richness of thoughts. Wilde, Austen, Plath, and many others, their meaningful words spoke to me in a way nothing else ever had. Even when my family questioned my decision, I was still standing, guided by the unwavering belief that English Studies and literature were my true calling. But my decision came at a cost. My father, whose dream of becoming a police officer had been left unfulfilled, saw my initial interest in criminology as a second chance. His chance. When I veered off that path, choosing my own over his, the tension between us grew. Silence replaced our conversations. Approval turned into mere tolerance. All that I ever wanted is him to understand that I was not rejecting his dream. I was embracing my brand new own. Nevertheless, not everyone dares to chase their dream. Left with a bittersweet thought, what if things were not as they seem? Anna is nearing the end of a chapter, while we have only just begun, taking our first steps, like a small child discovering for the first time the wonders of the world. I cannot help but wonder, are you satisfied with your decisions? I really hope so, because I am certainly sure that you did not have it easy either. We cannot escape the uncertainties of life. We keep asking ourselves over and over again the same question: What is our life purpose? The first day of university was overwhelming. The hallways were filled with excitement as students were walking with their backpacks and purses, and their expressions were full of joy and curiosity. In a minute, I suddenly realized I was surrounded by strangers, but within months, I have felt a sense of belonging and familiarity. Literature had connected us boundlessly. Our hearts embraced literature not just as a subject but as a way of life. As days passed by, I began to understand the profound impact literature has on me. On us. I had come into the realisation that literature is not just simple ink on paper, for it is the essence of the very human experience. It is challenging, mind-bending, comforting, and, above all, reminds us that we are not alone in our own miseries. At this moment, sitting on my bed, listening to classical music, writing this on my laptop, I reflect on the progress I have made. The doubts, the challenges, the moments of uncertainty. They have all brought me this far. They all built, fibre by fibre, the person I have become today. I no longer question my reason for being, for I have already found it within book pages, in the echoes in-between verses, in the passion of those who share this journey with me. I absolutely have no regrets. Life goes on, and flashes before our eyes. But in between those fleeting moments, we find our truest essence. Who we are meant to be. 

I realized how much I have changed. The uncertainty, the struggles, and the moments of doubt each played a role in shaping who I am today. Choosing a degree is never simple, nor is following through with it. There were days when I wondered if I had made the right choice and moments when the pressure felt overwhelming. Nevertheless, I’m still here, standing at the edge of this chapter, knowing that every challenge has only made me stronger and wiser. Pau, Najwa, you are just beginning this journey, and I won’t lie; there will be times when you question everything. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that persistence is what truly defines us. University is more than just studying; it’s about finding yourself, about learning to get up after every fall. You will get lost, you will feel exhausted, but you will also grow in ways you never expected, and that is the beauty of this journey. Through it all, music has been my refuge. Whenever I felt like giving up, Eterna Força by Smoking Souls reminded me to keep going. The song speaks of resilience, of facing struggles with determined strength. This song pushed me forward and kept me fighting even when everything felt heavy. I hope you carry something with you as powerful to make you feel inspired and strong. In my case, music has saved me many times. So, hold on. Keep going, even when the path isn’t clear. Because one day, you’ll look back and realize that every challenge, every late night study session, and every doubt was worth it. And when you reach the end, you’ll stand taller, knowing you never let the flame go out.